By Alfonso Tortellini
After years of student complaints about the nutrition, taste, and financial value of campus meals,
the university has decided to make the switch to a new feeding system designed to properly satiate Western students.
In a statement, new French food provider Seaudexheau noted the increased value that the new system provides given the high price tag of the current meal plans. Under the new system, Seaudexheau will install four 30-foot feeding troughs, offering students the opportunity to directly ingest Seaudexheau’s concoction, a nutritious slurry designed for both quick feeding and the maximal provision of mental energy.
Not to worry vegans, one of the slop troughs will be entirely free of animal products.
And for the environmentalists in the crowd, rest assured, all of Seaudexheau’s patented new slop comes from right here in Colorado, including contributions from Colorado Mesa’s renowned
campus garden and pigsty complex. And for the carnivores in the crowd, Seaudexheau is promising a
real treat: no animal product, no matter how obscure, tainted, or ungodly will be spared from the
mix.
At a bargain-bin price of just $8 per swipe, Western students will be able to access slop during three, 30-minute time slots throughout the day, announced via the ringing of the bell and the exclamation: “slop’s on!”
The chow’s taste profile, along with its naming conventions, will rotate weekly, with initial offerings including Beef Stew, Insect Invasion (now with 40% more thorax!), Leftover Surprise, and SpecialSlurry Sundays™.
So, get ready Mountaineers, it’s feeding time.