By Alfred Polymere and Matthew Eshed
Top o’ the World returns to print this week with a truly ridiculous satire edition, harkening back to the hooliganism of Top o’ the World in the Before-COVID times (B.C.). The surprise return was
barely noticed, except that the campus recycling rate increased by 300 percent, as reported by LEAD Sustainability’s Head Dog B. Dubs.
“The return to print was such complete garbage that the students must have felt a need for collective redemption by ensuring that all the issues were recycled. As both Head of LEAD Sustainability, and the Editor of TOP, I am conflicted but ultimately proud. We will continue printing similar garbage if it helps achieve our sustainability goals.”
When asked how the recycling rate could be determined before the paper was sent to print, B. Dubs said, “the particle accelerator in the basement of the Rady Building is to blame: its intended purpose is to remove wildfire fuel from forests without trammeling, but we used it to print our newspaper instead.”
This development represents a breakthrough for both the university and the state in the realm of circular economy, as a time-bending recycling-multiplying force of this nature has not been seen since the invention of the beer-bong.
Gov. Jared Polis will hold a press conference at Double Dragon next Thursday to address the implications of this magnificent development.